Perfect Play Partner

It is what it is: the search for the perfect play partner can feel profoundly elusive and disorienting. The desire, the yearning, the longing—all of it burns within you—but the one person who truly sees and understands you remains just out of reach? The world of kink is vast, varied, and wildly exhilarating, but … it also requires a balance of trust, chemistry, and mutual understanding. And while the idea of finding the one—someone who perfectly fits your dynamic, desires, and boundaries—might seem like the ultimate goal, let’s flip the script for a moment.

What if the key to finding the perfect play partner lies in becoming the one you’re seeking?

Sweet one, here’s a truth that can be hard to accept: no one can read your mind. Often, life isn’t about finding exactly what you’re looking for—it’s about creating something extraordinary from what you have. How does this apply to kink? It’s about holding space. And we can only truly offer that space to someone else when we’ve learned to inhabit it ourselves.

Creating the Spaces We Wish We Had

Recently, I came across Angela Merkel’s memoir “Freiheit” (Freedom). Among the many powerful statements she’s known for, two stood out to me. The first, “Wir schaffen das” (We can do this), is iconic. But the second, less celebrated line struck an even deeper chord:

“Ich wurde nicht als Kanzlerin geboren.” (I was not born a chancellor.) — Angela Merkel

At first glance, it seems simple, even obvious, but think about what it really means. It carries profound weight.

When I first read that line, it brought a smile to my face. I’ve often wondered whether I was “born” a dominant kinkster. Were all the intricacies of my desires—the hunger, the curiosity, the fierce and loving intensity—always inside me? Some of it, perhaps, yes. But the fullness of who I am today? Hell, no! It had to be discovered, nurtured, and fought for.

The truth is, the world doesn’t make it easy for women to claim dominance. The patriarchy encourages care but discourages strength. It expects us to support but rarely allows us to lead. The qualities that make me a fulfilled, confident dominant woman today—my ability to demand, to take up space, to embody both power and vulnerability—were not handed to me. I had to wrestle them free from the expectations placed upon me.

The Journey to Self and Sexual Freedom

My path to the deeply fulfilling sexuality I now embrace was far from straightforward. It demanded therapy, relentless self-education, and a determination to grow despite the obstacles. Along the way, I often wished for spaces where I could experiment, stumble, and feel safe in my uncertainty. But such spaces were rare. Society doesn’t offer many safe havens for women to explore dominance, or for anyone to step outside prescribed norms without judgment.

I had to create that space for myself, and it came at a cost. It required emotional labor, resilience, and a willingness to face my fears and failings head-on. And as I stand where I am today, I can’t help but reflect on how transformative it would have been to have someone offer me that space early on—a place where I could learn without fear, embrace my authentic self, and grow into the person I was becoming.

A Call to Action: For the Kinksters of Tomorrow

That’s why I’m writing this now. Not just to share my story, but to challenge you to think about the spaces you create for others. The kinksters of tomorrow—the curious, the questioning, the bold, and the hesitant—depend on the spaces we build today. They need places where they can explore, falter, and flourish without fear.

Ask yourself: what kind of space am I creating? Am I holding space for curiosity, for mistakes, for the messy and beautiful process of becoming? Or am I perpetuating the same rigid structures that stifle growth and connection?

The future of kink depends on our willingness to foster trust, compassion, and mutual respect. If we can do that, if we can give others the chance to discover themselves in a safe and supportive environment, we not only help them—we help ourselves. 

How to Find a Dominant Female Partner

So often, people claim that there just aren’t many dominant women out there. I believe this is simply untrue. They are everywhere—the wild, strong, curious, hungry woman exists in every one of us. But it also falls on you to help create the space where she might rediscover and embrace this part of herself, if she desires to. I believe we all carry a spectrum of traits within us—we don’t have to choose between one role or another. We’re allowed to explore, to try this and that, to live out different aspects of who we are.

And here’s the key: once you understand that your partner, who loves being passive in bed, might also enjoy dominating you (if she feels like it), the next, more challenging step is yours. You have to learn to allow it. To let go of control and expectations, to make room for her very individual power to emerge in a way that feels natural and fulfilling for her. It’s not about pushing roles or expectations—it’s about recognizing the fluidity of our desires. Support her curiosity, nurture her growth, and share your vulnerability. Help her learn, help her explore, give her guidance to guide you.

Why Some Get Flooded with Messages While Others Get None: A Reflection on Energy, Effort, and Connection

Let’s face it: some people’s inboxes are perpetually overflowing with messages and requests, while others echo in silence. Why does this stark divide exist? Personally, I keep my FetLife inbox closed most of the time. The energy it takes to sift through messages—many from timewasters, some genuine but barely more than the bare minimum—is simply too much.

Here’s the hard truth: becoming the kind of person who can hold space for another—so they feel safe, seen, and valued—requires self-confidence and self-love. Many people lack these qualities, having given up on themselves long ago. It’s no wonder they give the bare minimum in interactions, failing to acknowledge the energy their counterpart offers. Instead, they keep casting their fishing line, sending out bland, low-effort messages, hoping someone will bite.

The logic seems to be simple: If I don’t put in much effort, I won’t feel disappointed when I get rejected—right? But here’s the catch: even when you don’t try, you’re still asking for someone’s energy. And in doing so, you’re reflecting the self-doubt or self-hatred you may be carrying within. So what if, instead of approaching a potential connection with as little effort as possible, you started by giving energy—thoughtfully, generously, and in a way your counterpart truly needs, rather than how you find it easiest to give?

Some people feel entitled to certain connections, as though they deserve someone to fulfill their kinky needs on command, like purchasing a ready-made product at the store—without cost or upkeep.

What if connection wasn’t about luck, entitlement, convenience or spamming your way into attention? What if it was about being the person who can create a space where others feel safe to explore, grow, and connect deeply? Yes, this demands more from you. It requires emotional investment, vulnerability, and effort. But here’s the kicker: it’s also infinitely more fulfilling. 

Yes, You Are Lovable … And You Must Still Do The Work

Too often, we fall into the trap of thinking that “the one” is out there waiting for us—a person who perfectly matches our desires, who fits us effortlessly. 

Take the fantasies: the nurturing, attentive Domme, eager to meet your every need; the selfless, devoted sub, willing to sacrifice everything just to serve you. Why are these archetypes so elusive in real life? The answer, though uncomfortable, is simple: it’s a myth.

We’ve been sold a fantasy by Hollywood and entrenched societal norms. The idea that “there’s someone for everyone,” or that “everyone deserves love (or kink) just as they are,” is comforting but not entirely true. Yes, you are lovable—but do you deserve someone’s time, energy, and care if you aren’t willing to reciprocate? If you avoid the emotional labor, shirk the work of building a connection, or refuse to engage in the care work that sustains relationships?

Submissive Leadership – It’s a Thing

Especially as a submissive in kink, you can take an active role in guiding the process of growth and learning within a dynamic. This requires emotional intelligence—an awareness of your own emotions and those of your partner—which, like any skill, can be developed over time. Submissiveness doesn’t mean passivity. It’s about participating in the creation of something beautiful, taking responsibility for your needs, and helping to shape an environment where both partners can thrive.

True submission isn’t about enduring; it’s about crafting. This involves inviting your partner into your journey, learning to communicate openly, and confronting fears with courage. 

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. (…) You must do the thing you think you cannot do.” — Eleanor Roosevelt

Fear is natural—it will arise—but letting it control you is optional. Similarly, we will inevitably encounter resistance—often from within. This resistance can take many forms: denial, avoidance, or deflection. We might react defensively, dismiss opportunities for growth, or retreat into fantasies, porn, or anonymous interactions. While these coping mechanisms might offer temporary relief, they risk creating distance in our real-world connections—if left unchecked. And don’t get me wrong! I love porn and oh, do I love my fantasies—even anonymous interactions, when consensual, are great – but all within reason.

By holding space for your dominant partner, by creating a secure and supportive environment, you actively contribute to a dynamic that feels fulfilling for everyone involved. 

The Courage to Create and Communicate

In any dynamic, responsibility begins with us. Blaming the other person with statements like, “This doesn’t work with you”, “I can’t see myself submitting to you” or “You can’t do this or that” often misses the deeper issue: our own struggles with communication. Admitting our vulnerabilities, confronting shame, and embracing the discomfort of growth isn’t easy at all. These are conversations that challenge us and demand emotional honesty and bravery:

It means letting go of familiar patterns, exploring unknown desires, and taking small, manageable steps. This is not about demanding perfection from yourself or your partner, but about approaching the journey with patience, self-care, and kindness. Exploring sexuality, especially outside societal norms, is no small rebellion against the rigid structures imposed by patriarchy and conventional expectations. Recognizing this is vital, both for ourselves and for our partners.

The Kink Community: A Space for Growth or Harm?

The kink community holds immense potential as a space for learning, healing, and becoming better versions of ourselves. But too often, this potential goes unrealized. Some newcomers feel unwelcome or unsupported, leading them to drift away. Others enter the scene without understanding the care and emotional labor required to build healthy dynamics, creating harm in the process.

To build a sustainable kinky community, we must recognize the energy and emotional labor required to maintain healthy structures. This means creating space for vulnerability, fostering a culture of respect, and addressing harm with accountability rather than avoidance. It also means welcoming newcomers with warmth and patience, while ensuring that boundaries and consent remain non-negotiable pillars of our practice.

Checklist: Becoming the Perfect Play Partner

I’ve created this checklist to help you become your best kinky self.

1. Know Yourself: The journey starts with self-awareness. Take time to explore what you truly desire, both in kink and connection. Reflect on whether you’re seeking fun, catharsis, personal growth, or deeper intimacy.  
2. Embody Your Values: If you dream of a partner who’s communicative, trustworthy, and self-aware, it’s time to reflect those qualities yourself. Build trust by respecting boundaries, keeping promises, and owning your mistakes. Show curiosity: it’s an ongoing learning process.
3. Foster Deeper Connections: Connection starts with being present: actively listen, ask meaningful questions, and engage with genuine curiosity. Whether it’s during a negotiation, a casual coffee chat, or aftercare, focus on the person, not just the dynamic. Tools like the Wheel of Consent or the 3-Minute Game can deepen understanding by creating structured opportunities to explore boundaries and desires.
4. Patience, Darling, Patience: Every conversation, rejection, or new experience is an opportunity to learn and grow. It might even lead you to unexpected connections or insights about yourself.  
5. Master Communication and Consent: Be proactive in discussing boundaries, limits, and desires with potential play partners. Use tools like “I feel… when… because…” to express emotions without blame, and ensure conversations are respectful and honest.  
6. Cultivate Emotional Intelligence: Pay attention to how you and your partner feel before, during, and after scenes. For example, if they seem distant, resist the urge to assume or overreact. Instead, ask, “How are you feeling? Would you like to process together or take some space?” Emotional intelligence invites collaboration rather than conflict and fosters deeper trust.  
7. Stay Present and Committed: Presence is a gift you can offer your partner. During scenes or conversations, eliminate distractions—put your phone away, make eye contact, and engage fully. Let your partner feel they’re the center of your attention.  
8. Cultivate Creativity: Be open to trying new tools, scenarios, or sensations, and encourage your partner to share their ideas too. Co-create a “Yes, No, Maybe” list to uncover shared interests or surprise them with something they’ve been curious about.  
9. Invest in Self-Education: Read books, listen to podcasts, attend workshops, and engage with the kink community to expand your understanding.  
10. Allow for Mistakes and Hold Space for Uncertainty: Mistakes will happen, and that’s okay. Embrace them! Focus on creating a space where both you and your partner feel safe to explore, learn, and grow together.  
11. Stay Aware of Privilege and Power Dynamics: Take the time to reflect on privilege and power in your dynamic.  
12. Express Gratitude: Appreciation nurtures intimacy and trust. After a scene, take a moment to thank your partner for their openness and trust. Be specific about what you enjoyed or valued—for example, “I loved how you communicated your needs; it made me feel even closer to you.” 

What I find Attractive 

When I date, I differentiate between two types of people: those who have begun the Work and those who are still unaware of it. Personally, I now only date individuals who are committed to doing the Work. None of us are perfect, and the Work is never truly finished, but for me, it’s simply non-negotiable. If someone doesn’t take responsibility for their own life, thoughts, and actions, they simply aren’t attractive to me anymore. It’s easy to feel like a passive player in life, especially when circumstances or past experiences have left deep scars. And while those feelings are valid—especially for those who have truly been victims of harm—true growth often begins when we reclaim our agency, step into proactive living, and commit to working on ourselves.

“The familiar feels safe; that is, until we teach ourselves that discomfort is temporary and a necessary part of transformation.” — Nicole LePera

Nicole LePera’s books—How to Do the Work, How to Meet Your Self, and How to Be the Love You Seek—offer profound insights that align with this philosophy. There are many ways to approach the Work: therapy, journaling, coaching, etc. But one accessible and simple first step is to start educating yourself through books. To build fulfilling and dynamic connections, especially in the vulnerable and intimate spaces of kink, we must first take responsibility for our own emotional growth.

In the context of BDSM, this means working through personal insecurities, understanding our triggers, and cultivating self-awareness to create a truly safe and consensual environment for ourselves and our partners. Reading is sexy as hell!

Be intentional.

Finding the perfect play partner isn’t about luck or fate; it’s about intention. By cultivating self-awareness, embodying your values, and nurturing authentic connections, you’ll not only attract the right people but also grow into the kind of partner they’d be thrilled to play with.

So go ahead, love. The journey is as beautiful as the destination.