Aftercare Essentials

Sometimes, as I step into a session room, I can almost sense it: the fear. Beads of sweat cascade down the naked body of my sub, driven by sheer terror. Yet, it’s not the bullwhip that provokes such dread, nor the sharp knife that glides through skin like butter, nor even my beloved rose-red nipple clamps from Paris—oh yes, truly brutal, often drawing tears of joy from my pretty eyes. What I speak of softens even the toughest. I speak of the fear of closeness and intimacy. True torture, isn’t it?

We must learn not to fear intimacy.

Irony aside, are you familiar with the wonderful work of bell hooks, “The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love” ? hooks advocates for a solidarity feminism that includes men, showing how they too are victims of a system that robs them of the joy of life and love.

“Usually adult males who are unable to make emotional connections with the women they chose to be intimate with are frozen in time, unable to allow themselves to love for fear that the loved one will abandon them.” – bell hooks

Emotions are essential to our existence and our quality of life. The fear and subsequent avoidance of true intimacy are precisely what prevent a good session from becoming a great one. Given my fascination with extremes and a readiness to embrace any challenge, I’m immersing myself straight into the royal discipline of intimacy: aftercare.

Aftercare: A New Dimension of Intimacy

For me, BDSM is pure intimacy. It unveils deeply hidden aspects of ourselves and the trust we build acts as a tremendous intimacy booster. Yet, aftercare takes us to an even deeper level. After a session, when the hormonal high and the intoxication subside, and thoughts are no longer solely focused on the roles within the dynamics, it’s crucial to provide genuine care and ensure the well-being of all involved.

Many struggle with this, for various reasons. Here are some examples:

• • Receiving or giving care is difficult for you because you never learned how.
  • You fear appearing needy or signaling that you want more from the other person than they are willing to give.
  • Previously suppressed shame now sets in, and you prefer to process it alone.
  • You’re too exhausted to give anything, but also too tired to ask for support.
  • You lack resources, such as suitable spaces, tools, or simply the knowledge and understanding of what constitutes good aftercare.
  • You haven’t yet grasped what aftercare really means and see it as a brief polite gesture like a hug, without recognizing the deeper emotional and physical care it entails.
  • You simply don’t feel like it.

In the domain of sexuality, especially in BDSM, we often distinguish between what is associated with love and emotion and what serves solely for pleasure. I won’t debate the merit of this separation here. What’s more important is to encourage embracing the phase after a session or dynamic consciously and allowing everything necessary without reading too much into it. Being held after a session shows no weakness, and supporting your partner doesn’t mean an immediate romantic relationship will ensue.

Why is Aftercare Particularly Intimate?

A common reason why aftercare is neglected is the fear of emerging emotions. I can understand the concern about whether tenderness after a session automatically leads to love. The intense bond during a session, followed by familiarity, closeness, and possibly even tenderness, can evoke strong emotions. Additionally, experiencing someone who not only accepts but appreciates what society views as deviant or depraved fulfills a fundamental human need: to be seen and understood. Hence, the reasons why a BDSM session leads to intense bonding are numerous.

Communication is key—openly discussing feelings and setting boundaries can help avoid misunderstandings and make aftercare more effective. It’s also important to reflect on oneself and accept that it’s okay to have strong feelings without them necessarily leading to long-term commitments. Please read that last sentence again. Perhaps that alone will ease many concerns.

I am writing a book about aftercare as an essential element of Conscious Kink, a topic that has been on my mind for various reasons. One reason is that in the past, I couldn’t quite figure out what I needed after a session, but I clearly felt something was missing. Sometimes I’d be irritable, argumentative, or vulnerable for days afterward. And that’s not surprising, considering I bring out my most extreme sides in a session. We can love what we do in play and still struggle with ourselves afterward.

It wasn’t until I developed an extensive self-care practice and gained a deeper understanding of what happens to me in Domspace and afterwards in Domdrop that I could better understand what I need to ground myself more quickly. Aftercare has clear positive effects on both subdrop and Domdrop, but that’s not all there is to it. Even those who don’t experience such a kinky “hangover” are well advised to practice aftercare.

Aftercare isn’t just a polite gesture like washing your hands before eating. While such conventions are certainly sensible and have their relevant origins, it’s not necessarily catastrophic if you forget them. But with aftercare, it’s a whole different story. Here, it’s about more than just politeness—it’s about ensuring emotional and physical well-being. If we neglect aftercare, we risk scratches on the individual’s well-being, as well as the health and stability of the entire relationship. Because here, it’s also about building trust and bonding dynamics.

Cuddling, Tea, and Talking?

Different aftercare practices elicit different reactions. Personally, I require a lot of aftercare, but… Cuddling, tea, and talking? If my play partner wants that, then I’ll gladly provide it. However, what I need, what you need, and what others need is highly individual and often far more complex than we might assume. It depends on the practices used and the mental states of those involved.

Let’s examine this more closely. Take cuddling, for instance: it’s very popular and quite sensible. When the hormone rush of a session subsides, the physical closeness of a hug can keep oxytocin levels high and help balance out a lot until the rest of the hormonal carousel calms down. A hug can also signal to the brain that you’re safe again, after that sense of safety may have been absent during the session.

In recent self-help books on stress management, you increasingly encounter the term “close the cycle.” This term aptly illustrates the need for a cathartic moment—a kind of cleansing. Not in terms of aura and karma, but in terms of releasing built-up tension. If you’re thinking that’s what the orgasm is for, you’re not entirely wrong. But apart from the fact that you’re lucky if it happens—and let’s face it, who knows if it’s not a ruined one—and yes, kidding aside: In BDSM, it’s not immediately about the orgasm, and it’s not enough. To close the cycle, you need to understand your needs and tailor your aftercare practice to them. Much in BDSM involves learning and understanding needs and boundaries, communicating them, and enduring the most diverse feelings—your own and those of your counterpart.

I Need Some Space Right Now!

Perhaps that’s why some kinksters have an instinctive flight response after a session. A quick cuddle, then off in a taxi and back to life. Often, we don’t give ourselves enough time to process the things around us and within us. This leads to dissociation and alienation. We live in a patriarchal society that often leaves us alone with our feelings and emotional needs.

Frequently, we’ve already accepted that bad feelings just come with the territory and that we have to “handle them alone” or “just pull ourselves together.” Shame also plays a significant role in this.

But the typical flight impulse doesn’t necessarily have to stem from such profound causes. More importantly, it’s not necessary to overcome it. Do you want to be alone for a while? Do you need space? Communicate that—preferably before the session—and then take the time you need. That’s okay. Not everyone feels like being close immediately after being thoroughly beaten, used, and humiliated. Over time, you’ll better understand how long or short this moment needs to be. Processes become smoother and more natural. You don’t have to feel bad if you need space and time for yourself. But again: Use the time. Otherwise …

“Men come to sex hoping that it will provide them with all of the emotional satisfaction that would have come from love. Most men think that sex will provide them with a sense of being alive, connected, that sex will offer closeness, intimacy, pleasure. And more often than not sex simply does not deliver the goods. This fact does not lead men to cease obsessing about sex; it intensifies their lust and their longing.” – bell hooks

It’s an intense quote, isn’t it?! I have to read it again and again myself. No gender should feel attacked or pushed into a corner here. I argue that this illusion, as hooks describes, is not necessarily gender-specific. Many people expect sex to provide a sense of connection and satisfaction, yet often find it lacking. Aftercare addresses this gap, offering the emotional closeness and support that enhances the overall experience, closing the cycle.

As Always: Communication is Key

Ghosting should definitely be avoided, unless your counterpart has acted intentionally abusively. Sometimes we’re overwhelmed by strong emotions like anger, sadness, fear, longing, etc. That can unsettle us a lot, but actually, I want to congratulate you for it. Feeling intensely is also a gift, and—you’ve probably heard this before—it’s not the feelings themselves that are problematic, but our handling of them. Just observe for now, don’t judge. And if a conflict still arises, gather the energy necessary for clarification. This, too, is part of BDSM. Safe (as much as possible), sane (there are interesting discussions on this), consensual (!).

Let me also mention that aftercare does not replace the check-in in the following days, and I find a debriefing indispensable. There’s really no “too much” when it comes to respect and appreciation.

By the way, your play partner isn’t necessarily the person who must give you aftercare and from whom you definitely want it. Communicate about your needs and find a mode that works for both of you. You can call your best friend while your play partner is crying in the arms of their wife, husband, lover, or partner. There’s no one fixed rule about who does what, when, and how. What’s important is that everyone involved feels good afterwards. Self-care can also do a lot here.

What We Gain When We Integrate Aftercare Properly

Tea and cuddling alone don’t bring me back after I’ve plunged into emotional abysses. The constriction I feel in my chest, stemming from pure tension and concentration, is released more effectively through physical activities that suggest expansiveness. Without these activities, the tightness often lingers in my system for days. And your subspace? You were controlled, vulnerable, maybe humiliated and belittled. Now you need movement, words, actions that make you feel freer, looser, more relaxed, and larger again. In yoga, we call these heart-opening asanas – you might get the idea.

We need activities that help us move out of constriction and tension. This is true whether you just got your quick kink shot or are in a 24/7 dynamic with your partner. Every extreme needs balance. Be kind to yourself and ensure that your mind and body function smoothly again.

“The most important thing you can do to live meaningfully is to work on yourself. To consciously become the happiest, kindest, and most gracious version of yourself.” – Brianna Wiest

This quote is from the book “The Mountain is You“, one of my favorites by the author. The unique beauty that comes from play is rooted in a willingness to embrace our darker and more chaotic sides in a way many people will never experience.

The Different Levels of Care and Wellbeing

An area that exceeds the scope of this article but takes up considerable space in my book is the different levels of our wellbeing. The mental level probably plays the most significant role, but there are also the emotional, physical, social, and cultural aspects – to name just a few. As in a session, this involves well-chosen words, touches, context, and stimulations of various sensory impressions.

My tip for your specific aftercare practice: Do you know those long Excel sheets with BDSM practices where you check off small boxes for soft limits, no-goes, and your favorites? Now, create an individual (probably shorter) list exclusively for aftercare practices. Note what you need and want for yourself, what is essential, and what would be a nice add-on. Also, note what you’re willing to give to your partner. Like all other practices, this is a learning process and not set in stone.

The right aftercare practice allows a session to expand positively into the space that follows. I don’t think I’m overstating it when I say: aftercare can turn a good session into an outstanding one. It’s worth it.

How do you want to feel after the session?

Your quality of life is determined by many different factors. You probably know Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. And surely you also know this favorite expression of many submissives: to be shown one’s place. In the great chaos of life, it gives a sense of security and orientation to be reminded every now and then of where our place is.

BDSM is a highly complex, contradictory, boundary-breaking form of sexuality and lifestyle, and it has the potential to make our lives understandable as the game and experiment that it is. Nietzsche says hello. Good aftercare provides the bridge to this understanding. We close the cycle, come back to ourselves, and yet we are no longer the same. We’ve become more beautiful, deeper, and yes, also this: more satisfied.

More in my book, Spring 2025.